How To Keep Things Light (and Shallow)

We've all been in awkward conversations.  It's universal to the human life.  There are social situations that require us to chat with others we don't know overly well, and sometimes, socialized socialization can be downright painful.  Relationships aren't perfectly seamless.  Establishing and maintaining relationships can cause anxiety.  Yet, as Christians, we are called to be in fellowship, in active relationships with others.  We cannot avoid all situations that might make us uncomfortable, or else, we probably won't progress in our growth toward becoming more Christ-like.  

My oldest sister, whose birthday is today, is a far better friend to others than I am, which got me pondering the question: how can I be a better friend?  So, without further ado, here is a non-exhaustive list that I've comprised of relationship-killers.

1.  "How Are You?"

This question can be the opening and closing line to a conversation.  It doesn't necessarily jog the mind of the recipient and can often be answered and forgotten by short, hair-trigger responses.  I do ask this question at times, in the absence of something specific, but generally, if you're going to ask this question, have some follow-ups in mind!  Be keenly aware of the people you will encounter in social settings, and think through good questions you might have for each one in the group.  When the setting is unpredictable, like a quick church meet-and-greet, don't fret, but have questions ready that are good for that situation: i.e. what brought you here?  what do you do?  where do you live?  ET CETERA.

2.  Christian-speak

Sad-to-say it, but it's not that fun to be on the receiving end of pseudo-answers that attempt to point the listener to God, and yet, are typically lacking in real depth.  My best example of this that I can think of, is when I have asked someone what is going on in her life and her response is: God's grace is sufficient for me.  That rather pious response is actually off-putting.  Though the statement is absolutely accurate, it can be rather distancing and can twist the knife in the heart of that burgeoning relationship very easily.  As Christians, we should use our taglines sparingly, and should opt for authentic responses that might do a better job of explaining the line we were tempted to say.  Instead of saying "God's grace is sufficient," we might answer instead with how this has proven true in recent events of my life and how I am working on remembering this truth.  Instead of throwing out phrases like "God is good" to answer a question of "how are you?," you might consider saying in what ways you're referring to God's goodness and consider that hearing specifics might be more refreshing for your audience than obvious Christian lingo (no matter how true).

3.  Disinterest

I still crack up when I think about a time I had in conversation with a couple of girls.  We were chatting about things that were relatively inconsequential, and one of them asked me a follow-up question to what was happening in my life.  I kid you not, we were about three feet apart from one another, and I began to answer the question, but noticed the glazed looks in both of their eyes.  Oh boy.  That was enough indication for me to literally stop mid-sentence and let the conversation drop.  This is an extreme example, and perhaps it is because of my wind-bagginess at that juncture, though I'll go so far as to say that I don't THINK I was over-answering, but it is something that happens routinely.  And I am also quite guilty of being the culprit in situations like these, as well.  So, remember, when you're listening, listen well.  Be able to hear details and think through the things the other is saying and be ready to reply.  There is nothing like showing a lack of interest in someone else that displays our self-centeredness as flamboyantly as a flag on a pirate ship.  

4.  Overtalking/Undertalking

Some of us are better at talking, while others, better at listening.  God has gifted us in various ways and our personalities in all their color might be more chatty or not.  However, just because your personality is one way or other, does not mean that it doesn't need refining.  My brother-in-law likes to say that my littlest is just a "free spirit," and I like to respond that while what he's saying is true, it's our job to teach her to limit her spirit.  If you over-talk, you will be signaling to your hearer that you are more interested in your thoughts than in hers.  If you under-talk, your lack of effort in putting someone else at ease will not allow for a sweet mutual exchange.  So whether you are one or the other, remember to make efforts.  Be sure to listen and allow someone to finish before giving responses (this can feel like an eternity, I know).  And push yourself to share details that are harder for you to share if you tend to stay silent.  To the undertalker, always remember that one-word answers are not relationship-building, but can be a major deterrent to those who are just trying to pursue a friendship with you.  So speak up!

5.  Distraction Without Excuse

If you're like me and have many children who decide that the best time to flush a book down the toilet is when you're on the phone, distractions are absolutely inevitable.  Just this morning, I was trying to talk and listen to my youngest sister, only to be interrupted countless times by children who were hungry, or who needed to go to the bathroom, or who wanted her to play Candyland with them.  It's a part of the season in which I'm immersed.  It may be your season as well.  BUT, just because distractions are unavoidable, does not mean that you are allowed a free pass.  Remember to still be considerate of those to whom you're trying hard to listen.  It's no fun for them to talk to a distracted mom.  So if your children are old enough, teach them instances in which disruptions to adult conversations are not okay.  Build in a system of communication for when they do need you, though, or ignoring them will be greatly exasperating.  And when there are disruptions, acknowledge it to your hearer by saying something like, "excuse me for a minute (or even until later)."  And if you're one who has time to kill because you're in a different season, don't be easily irritated by the distracted mom.  Try to be understanding and even helpful when you can see that the frazzled lady is doing all in her power to listen to you while catering to the needs of her little ones.

I will add another form of this that is tough: the slink-away conversation.  If you've ever been at a place when you're talking with a person and someone comes and interrupts and the other parties even forget that you exist, you might have that feeling of being slighted, and kind of don't know what to do but sort of slink-away.  You might be C in the conversation between A and B, all of a sudden.  In this case, don't get overly offended.  It is life with people.  It should only remind you that if you interrupt a conversation between two others, be sure to acknowledge the interruption and even a timeframe for the interruption, i.e. "Hello so-and-so and so-and-so, I hate to interrupt, but I just wanted to know if such-and-such was okay, and then I'll be out of your hair."  OR, don't interrupt at all.  If it is non-urgent, yet you want to join the conversation, just ask the two parties if you might be allowed in the convo.

6.  No Follow-Up

No follow-up does NOT necessarily mean that someone doesn't care about you.  Sometimes, it can just be an indicator of how busy that person is.  So, if you have a pressing matter, and your friend doesn't follow-up, forgive and simply volunteer the information.  Don't wait to be asked.  And if you're one who doesn't follow-up, you need to start!  A pretty fool-proof method of following-up with someone is actually taking the time out of your schedule to pray for that person.  Doing this is a huge help in reminding you of what that person's day/week/month/year hold, and will place concern for her at the forefront.  

8.  Faithlessness

This is where my older sister is one of the greatest examples I know.  If you start a friendship off with a bang and then it fizzles, it is because you have not been faithful to that person.  What might've triggered the unfaithfulness may be a tidbit of unsavory details about that person's character.  You may be annoyed by something you know about her.  Or, seemingly more benignly, you may have just lost interest.  Whatever the reason for being unfaithful, that is the antithesis of the Christian life.  You are without excuse.  If there are patterns of sin, gently admonish and yet, still, be a kind friend who seeks to deepen the relationship.  If the person is not as interesting as you once thought, this is an opportunity for you to die to yourself and realize beside that, you might not be the world's brightest light, yourself!  

9.  Jumps to Judgment

Be a good data-gatherer.  Before admonishing or confronting someone or correcting without restraint, LISTEN!  Sometimes our words truly do get confused in expressing what is actually in our hearts.  Ask questions rather than jumping to make assertions in their lives.  It doesn't mean there isn't room for correction, but it does mean that you need to be sure that what you hear is truly there and incorrect.  Over-correcting and leaping to judgment is repressive for the person who thought she had the liberty to speak.  But again, this does not mean that under-correcting is any more acceptable.  If you hear things that are inconsistent with the Christian life and you have done your due-diligence in data-gathering, then you should respond with an admonition- and even if that does cause a breakdown in the relationship.

10.  Lack of Spiritual Depth/False Attempts at Depth

There is nothing I like talking about less than shopping.  BUT, that doesn't mean there isn't room for talking about it at times.  There is.  Don't be fooled into thinking that all chit-chat is empty and vain.  Neither, don't think it's okay for a Christian in relationship to ONLY chit-chat.  Speaking about the spiritual, those things that are unseen in our lives but eternal and as real as the tangible, is of utmost importance to sharpening one another.  What I have been LEARNING is something worth sharing, because it may encourage another, or bring a needed insight into my life.  There isn't anything wrong with chatter when its appropriate.  It can lead to deeper things.  Trying to force the deeper things with strange attempts at depth is no better.  If somebody asks a question like: right now, is God, to you, a mug of hot cocoa or cold tea?, I might shudder.  Such questions won't necessarily get one on the path of true fellowship with you.  It is helpful, though, to talk about the hard things you're learning, and to be ready to share all good things with another.

I have assumed in all of these things, that we are dealing with believers, those who claim the name of Christ and desire to live a Godly life.  Your relationships with those who are hostile to the Gospel might (and probably should) look a bit different.  But these are just things I've been thinking about in my own life in hopes that I am a good friend to others!

Covering Your Bases

One of the things I love about parenting is that you just can't cover all of your bases.  I am seeing this more and more as the kids grow older.  Most things could fit the category of: if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.  But here are a few recent examples that have just not crossed the radar until it's too late:

*my oldest, in his numbers obsession, asking people how much they weigh or how much money they have
*my oldest daughter, who loves all things mom-hood, asking people if they're pregnant (who, by the way, aren't)
*one of my children, who shall remain as anonymous as possible, bending over and drinking water out of the dog dish
*telling people they can smell their stinky breath or even more recently, that somebody's feet were smelly, upon shoe removal
*my youngest putting her used diaper in the toilet
*asking someone very publicly if he or she released a foul odor

This is a seriously infinitesimal set of examples of the things that go on with these kids.  So much of the time I want to shout at them: I don't even understand what you were thinking!  But, I suppose that's the point.  They weren't thinking- at least not in the way a seasoned adult thinks.  It is our job to train them.  No, I cannot pre-empt every move they make with a specific instruction: children, if ever you see a man with a big belly, don't ask him if he is pregnant, because it is not possible for men to be pregnant.  Some things, I just didn't anticipate.  And really, isn't the part of parenting that keeps you on your toes the most sanctifying part?  Maybe I'm just comforting myself by calling these countless moments sanctifying, but give this tired and pregnant mom of four a break.  Regardless of whether such moments happen as often for you, you will never be able to address every particular your child encounters.  BUT, the good news: teaching them to live by scriptures like "do to others what you would have them do to you," and helping them to pass their words through the screening process, is the most effective way of dealing with inane outbursts.

I am determined that children and pregnant women have equally finite perspectives on time.  My son has been counting down the days for an adventure we will soon take, and declared today that a month of waiting is FOREVER.  We (moms and pregnant ladies) need not give into fleshly perspectives when the going gets rough.  If you're a mom of littles, part of you might still be clinging to the life that you led before-- the discretionary time you once had, might still be being safeguarded in your heart.  If you're a mom of littles-getting bigger (like me), each day can be a challenge as you're constantly surrounded by unrefined personalities and unchecked sin (and I'm not only talking about your kids).  Remember that life is hard, but it is not your own.  So much in America is catered to our personal well-being.  But the Bible calls us to put off our own desires and DAILY to pick up our cross and follow Him.  So as a mom, this means that plodding through each moment, might require extra prayer for graciousness in each situation, but we must always be ready to communicate to our kids through our actions, through our instructions and through our discipline, all the Godly truths we can pile into their noggins and hope that God uses it to refine their hearts.  Do the work of an evangelist with your children and do not become weary in doing good.  Have a little perspective: the physical and emotional toll of child-rearing will one day cease- and it's actually not going to take FOREVER. Soon, your kids will grow.  So by God's grace, by saturating yourself in the Word and prayer on a daily basis, you will get through it well (though stumbling is inevitable).

Encouraging Enrique

I think we all know a curmudgeon or two...those people who are almost always marked by a critical or complaining spirit.  Mark and I like to jokingly ask one another if we are being a negative Nancy or an encouraging Enrique, on different occasions in our lives.

And I'll tell you what, things have been difficult lately, in large part due to my large part (my increasing girth).  Pregnancy is never super easy, and trying to homeschool three little ones while chasing down my arguably most active fourth, has proven to be an increasingly difficult task.  So, my attitude checks have been more frequent, as I have to assess and reassess my heart before it spirals out of control into whole-hog complaints that usually are born in thoughts that start with: I just...  A myriad of desires might complete the end of the statement.  I just want peace and quiet; I just need a break; I just feel like a nap; I just want to be alone; I just need some chocolate: I just want to sit for a minute; I just don't want to clean up after one more potty accident...etc.  The list is endless of things we could desire that are different.  But it is pretty astounding how the thoughts (or lies) that we buy, begin to really permeate our attitudes.  If you really finish the thought out to conclusion, you might be truly thinking, "I just want to do this or that, so that I can be at peace."  What a lie.  As a believer, I already have peace.  And whatever I am called to is not the source of my discontent, but it is my desires that are contrary to His desires that are (James 4:1 applied a little differently).

My critical spirit was starting to be vocalized and I didn't even like the general way I was talking to people.  I was being a Debbie downer.  What turned it around for me?  Behavior modification, baby!  Okay, seriously, though, it is amazing when you read the truth of Scripture, and you pray, confessing your sins, and you meditate during your day, that when you simply begin practicing what you know to be right, your heart begins to change direction.  When my kids are literally- I mean it in its intended form- LITERALLY hanging onto me, demanding my attention, I don't have to turn in harshness as a response to my idol of the moment (I just need some space).  By the strength of the victory that I have over sin because His Spirit is stronger in me than my flesh, I can absolutely fight the rising fury, and gently speak to my child.  So, that is what I am learning lately, I must walk victoriously, meaning that I am not a slave to sin anymore (hallelujah).  The Spirit has broken the power of sin in my life!  So I don't have to speak according to the mood of the moment, but rather according to the need of the moment.  I can be an encourager, even when I'm feeling the need to be encouraged.

How Rude!

Today, I was at a get-together with my hub and kids and a host of other families, and one of the sweet older ladies turned to me at random, and showed me her new iPhone.  She was so excited about it and said: I used to wonder why all my kids are sitting around at the dinner table looking at their phones, but now I see that these phones are such fun!  It was pretty cute, as she barely knew what an app was.  But it got me thinking, as I have been doing for quite a while: technology has brought such a sweeping wave of rudeness into our lives, that our everyday displays of inconsideration are passé and routine.

Last week (or maybe two weeks ago...can't remember), I was at church and was going to go chat up a new girl that I didn't recognize.  Only, as I headed over, she whipped out an iPhone and became engrossed in it, heading me off at the pass.  Now, in all probability, she saw me coming and she done thunk up the cleverest way to get this lady out of her grill.  But, it was clear: the phone played perfect buffer between her and me.  It allowed her space and security and kept any inquisitors at bay.  I don't want to overly jump into her motives for being on her phone at that precise moment, but I suspect that the phone provides us with security, so that we don't have to appear to be awkward in our aloneness.  Who can't relate to that?  I've been a new girl in different places, and sometimes, your only defense is to appear to be taking that all-important message that cannot wait for you beyond two seconds without risking catastrophic implosion.  It reminds me of the time when I was in high school and I had just gotten my spiffy new car with my babysitting money.  By "new" it was actually 10 years old: a 1986 Chrysler Lebaron convertible!  It had a disconnected car phone inside with the curly cable still attached to the base.  I remember driving on Pleasant Hill Road and picking up the phone and pretending to chat so that any passing driver might see how valuable a 16-year-old I was!  Strangely, being connected to others in front of others, makes us think that they might think that we are VIPs!  How dumb.  But again, I digress.

My point is this: 1 Corinthians 13 is very clear that love is not rude or self-seeking.  Whether you like social networking, games, text messaging, emailing, talking on the phone, whatever it is (pick your poison), anytime you are on your phone in front of others without having excused yourself, there is a pretty good chance: you're being rude.  Mark and I have been in many conversations about this, as we try to navigate phone/computer/iPad use with children around (desiring that they not grow up with distracted, half-listening parents).  We like the reminder, "faces are more important than Facebook."

This past winter was an extreme sick season for our family, from which we are only recently emerging.  So I had to stay home with many a sick child several Sundays, where the flip-side of technology provided this grateful heart with the opportunity to stream church at home.  I had been talking to my oldest, who was laying on the couch next to me, about how we need to, as much as possible, exalt the teaching of God's Word in our home, by not being distracted as we listened to the Word.  So I made sure not to have my cell phone or iPad with me while streaming church through the TV, in an effort to keep me focused and to be a good example to him.  A couple of weeks later, we weren't quite sure about their health, so we brought our oldest son and daughter to the big church service (rather than class) to monitor them.  I whipped out my phone to follow in the Bible-reading and my son sweetly reminded me: remember, church is more important than your phone. And I whispered back that he was right, but I was actually following along in the Bible on my phone (again, another blessing of technology).

In all of this, obviously there is room for your own conscience and exceptions.  For instance, if Mark and I have left our kids at home, my phone is close by me- in case a frazzled babysitter calls needing to know how to stop my youngest from setting the house on fire.  But the definition of "rude" is very broad and includes a key element of discourteousness.  So before whipping out your phone when you're in the company of others, think about what you're doing...are you showing others that whatever is happening on your phone is more important than them?  Even if we don't think this overtly, our actions can speak quite plainly on this one.  Remember, just because you did it without thinking, doesn't mean that you weren't self-centered.  Rudeness is not just an malicious disregard of others, but typically, others are disregarded by us as a byproduct, because it comes from such a high regard for ourselves.  And I am totally guilty of having done this-- and I am sure I will continue doing this at times.  But I am working hard at remembering that I don't always need to stay connected, but should be constantly looking for ways to bless those in my presence (though again, it could be argued that my presence alone negates a blessing for any!:).  Even if you aren't immediately engaged in a conversation with somebody, pulling out your phone is a swift way to keep it like that.  And if you're a mom like me: you're ALWAYS being watched- so be on guard with how you treat your kids through technology.  You don't want to inadvertently condone their future phone use at the table, at church, in class, or in social settings.  No one wants to be married to your son who is more enthralled with his phone than his wife (or vice versa)!

More than likely, your phone can wait 20 minutes.  But if it can't, just excuse yourself and go in the other room to take that call, read that text message, play that move, or update your status.  Let's strive to hold others in our presence in a higher regard than ourselves.

None of us can ever stand before God even through a whole day, making authentic claims to having been polite and considerate of every person in view.  But still, we strive to "increase and abound in love for one another and for all" (1 Thessalonians 3:12).

Disclaimer: there are SO many ways that we are rude, so please don't read me saying that phone use is the lowest form of rudeness!  Just today, I found myself more ready to talk about my kids' funny stories than I was willing to listen to my friend's stories.  UGH!  How rude that was too, and I could write a whole blog committed entirely to my own parental pitfalls!  But for the sake of this already-too-lengthy post, I only talk about our rude abusive of technology.

Disney Vacay!

We went to Disneyland this past weekend.  This is our third year taking the kids.  Lest your shock overtake you at such luxuriant living (i.e. that my nearly-six-year-old has been to Disneyland three times), cool your jets.  We have gone because my future brother-in-law works for the Masters College and manages to get us deals on Masters Day that we cannot turn down! 

The trip was such fun!  We didn't tell the kids about Disneyland until Saturday morning (when we were headed there).  They could not have had a better time.  It was thrilling to watch them enjoy all that Dland had to offer.  I could not ride anything big, because of my pregnancy, but contented myself taking the Littles on Fantasy Land rides, while Mark took the boys on the big rides.  When waiting for the boys, we went on the no-wait carousel three times.  After the boys had their fill of Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, and Indiana Jones, we spent the rest of the morning to the evening together on various attractions.  I thought it was funny that Haddie kept noting that her favorite ride was the carousel.  Booper made it obvious (by crying when we were done each time), that she was in agreement.  

As a family, we spent our last bits of energy on the carousel around 8:15.  And that's when it hit.  There were four horses next to each other and the kids all mounted those while Mark and I stood guard between the hind quarters of the horses.  The incandescent lights of the carousel were nothing less than idyllic and I looked from my kids to my hub.  Maybe it's the pregnancy that got to me, but I just felt a sense of nostalgia as I glanced at each.  My kids are young now, but it won't always be this way.  My hub is young, though his graying head is starting to betray him.  And I'm no spring chicken!  It occurred to me that my kids will grow up and have their own families, and we won't be a part of their regular vacations.  They will make their own way in life, and Mark and I will be left to continue growing old...until we die.  Yup- Disneyland- the happiest place on earth!

But beyond the morbid thoughts, it struck me that this is what the elderly talk about in life.  They say stuff like: it feels like just yesterday that I got married, had kids, graduated from college, or any other such reminiscent flash points.  I know I will do the same.  And so I am reminded from our sweet time together, that my prayer should be constant: "So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom" (Ps. 90:12).  

Numbering our days means that we consider that we are vapors...that life is short and outside of glorifying God, is absolutely without meaning.  If I'm not numbering my days, my nostalgia at the Disneyland carousel would quickly degenerate into a desire to control things around me, to somehow fight the calendar and try in vain to keep my kids from aging, and after fruitless efforts at doing that, I would sink into depression because I would realize that all my life is vanity.  Rather than numbering my days, I would be treating my days as countless, and the result would not be wisdom- but foolishness.  My hope would be resting on the joys the world had to offer and not considering the gravitas of eternity.  May I not be so shortsighted as my life ebbs and flows. 

Control

Because of recent events, there is quite a bit of exploitation and the expected cry for sweeping reforms and legislation regarding gun-control.  As always, the world witnesses something terrible, and in knee-jerk fashion, responds with measures that will limit the symptoms of a much deeper problem.  And opportunistic politicians start leading the band wagon toward their typically control-centered-governing-ideological agendas, cloaked in sanctimonious jargon that can cull tears on cue.  And the masses, in an understandably vulnerable state, accept their solutions, wholesale.

However, my observations are more important than politics.  It is that I see, as always, the fleshly desire for absolute sovereignty.  We MUST control at all costs, to avoid catastrophes and to make life more pleasant.  I know that in my natural-man-state, I have that desire- to control things around me, to be in charge, to manage.  The problem with control: it addresses only the external.  And as Christians, we are called to CONSTANTLY be addressing the internal- our hearts.

As a mom of four, I have grown increasingly aware of my deep-seated desire to control things, because the chaos around me grows as the kids do.  And sometimes, it is easy to justify a desire for things to be right and orderly, because really, obedience and hard-working-ness are godly.  But I have noticed a few things in the early days of parenting that I think have been good learning points for me.

1.   I have my kids on schedules (that are FLEXIBLE, by the way) because it is good for THEM and my hopes for them is that it will encourage their relationship with the Lord.  I want them to have time where they are forced to just think or imagine or pray (during rest/nap time or in the morning at wake-up time).  They can consider what's around them more and actually have time for potential reflection.  If they do not become believers, than it is a good exercise in self-restraint.  Children can learn to be quiet and recognize that every word out of their mouths is not a gem of wisdom gracing all present hearers.  Rather, they need to learn to be considerate of their potentially still-sleeping roommates, or they can self-entertain, be more thoughtful and even, grow in patience.  And yes, a lovely by-product is that I get to be up early, doing my devotions and the treadmill and getting a shower in before they're up.  But when that by-product becomes a must-have, I am called to check myself and recalibrate my purpose.
      Kids should NEVER be on a schedule because of control.  If you find yourself using the excuse, "my house should not be child-centered, but parent-centered," then you're on the right-sounding wrong path.  Controlling your kids schedules so that you can have time for you, for your husband, for dinner-making, for any other often self-righteous-sounding reason, or whatever, is absolutely wrongly-motivated.  Trying to maintain a pre-child relationship with your husband, for example, does not mean you are putting off child-centeredness.  Rather, you are putting on self-centeredness.  Sure, date nights are generally good.  They're supposed to be fun.  But rigidly holding to them, while ensuring that all conversation is centered on you and your husband is at best, hollow.  Viewing children as disruptions to what's most important, is absolutely control-centered.  Of course they will bring great change with them.  That does not mean you have become child-centered.  When the change is heartily embraced, it means that you are learning to love sacrificially.  With the change, you are still called to be your husband's helper, and the keeper of the house.  You'll be able to do this without setting up artificial boundaries on how this has to be achieved.  The Lord will provide for you to be able to obey His Word even with the "interruptions" (1 Corinthians 10:13).  Fitting them into the perfect three-hour feed schedule, twice-daily nap schedule and 12-hour sleep schedule (which is going to happen because you'll ignore their cries), is not really keeping the child-centeredness at bay, but rather potentially inviting your own sense of peace to secure itself on the supreme altar of worship.  So, there is nothing wrong with scheduling- but there is something HUGELY wrong with your potential motivations for scheduling!    Beyond that, remember, your children take their cues from you.  If you rigidly schedule them, then you are also teaching them that human control can achieve perfect peace.  They might have difficulty then, being flexible, and learning that the Lord is in control at all times.

2.  Yes, I do want my children to obey.  However, my desire for their obedience does NOT trump my desire for their hearts to change (Proverbs 4:23).  Behavior modification alone never addresses the deeper issues in their hearts (Ephesians 6:4).  It is so important to remember this in parenting.  An example: I have found that an easy way to control is to shoot your kids looks, when their public behavior is not "up to par."  Trying to achieve a response through this is only manipulation and I am potentially teaching them the fear of man!  Can I get an "UGH" to the flesh!!! It is very easy to achieve a sense of control over my children because right now, they care deeply about what I think.  But I have to walk so carefully here.  I want them to care FAR more what the Lord thinks.  So reminding them of this, and asking forgiveness if I have tried to control through withering glares, or idle threats is imperative to our growth.  Remember, them sinning and SEEING their sin, is actually good. The law is supposed to cause us to see our need for Jesus.  So when they sin and cannot seem to get their way out, that is when you teach them that the Holy Spirit is stronger.  Every disobedience is an opportunity for you and them to see the Lord's grace in their lives.  So work on not being inconvenienced and trying to control the situation- I am talking to myself here:).

Anyway, I have addressed these things here, because sometimes, for me, it has been easy to justify my controlling desires, by not calling a spade a spade.  And I have found these parenting pitfalls to be common in the Christian arena.  May God give us grace in our parenting, and help us to seek His wisdom, which never offers one-size fits-all formulas, but rather, causes us to do the hard work of studying His Word and variously applying its principles in all things (2 Peter 1:3)!!!

Love is the Litmus

"Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart"...1 Peter 1:22.

A few weeks ago, one of our pastors at church spoke on 1 Peter 1.  He walked through the chapter and only briefly paused on 1:22, talking about how loving others is a good barometer of how we are doing in our personal walk with Christ.  That was about it.  He gave a quick example of how he could always tell when he was not doing well, when he found himself easily snapping at his son.  That struck enough of a cord in my own heart, for me to have been dwelling on the verse for about three weeks now.

As I've had a chance to meditate further on the passage, I have thought of a few things.  First, from the beginning of it, our souls are "purified" by our obedience to the truth.  Obeying God, purifies our souls.  And how do we know how to obey?  By reading Scripture and meditating on its applications in our lives.  Secondly, though, and this is the one that really helped me in the past couple of weeks, how do I know when I'm not loving "earnestly" and "from a pure heart"?  I came up with a short laundry list of ways I can tell when I am not abiding in Christ.  Hopefully by listing these things I can be more familiar with the symptoms of my discordant spirit.

Signs of un-earnest and impure love:

*In listening to someone that might be a challenge to love, am I diligently searching out reasons to disagree and be at greater odds?
*Am I impatient or harsh with kids and husband?  Seems like sometimes, when I bring it home, really, it is a sign that I am not doing so well with the world outside.  Family is just an easier object of my derision, sadly.
*Am I begrudging someone else their friends, the spotlight, or even considering them to be breaching "MY" friends-group?  Jealousy is probably the most divisive roots.   Be vigilant with this in great care.
*When I am with my friends, am I willing to include others, or am I more interested in trying to maintain a hold on the sense of belonging I have with them?  I recently encountered, as I observed some younger girls doing this to another girl.  Boy it's ugly looking at it- but what a reminder to be careful of my own motivations in being with friends- a sense of belonging should not be our impetus to gain or maintain friends.
*Are there scenarios in my head, in which I'm the victim of that person's wicked schemes?  In other words, because I might not be loving a person, have I made it reciprocal, maybe even imagining snippets of overheard conversations, or perceived snubs into some overblown drama that MUST be aimed at me?  Focus on self and loving others are not good bedfellows.
*Have I been passionately praying for the object of scorn, (and I don't mean imprecatory prayers:)?
*Would being in the presence of that person cause me to sin (i.e. have judgmental or critical thoughts regarding attire, persona, voice, conversation, looks)?
*How is my disposition toward the person (i.e. am I sneaking them mean looks, eye-rolls, ambivalent expressions, or even making my dislike obvious to others)?  My countenance is most often a reflection of my heart.  Having an open and welcoming countenance can play a surprisingly big role in peacemaking.

Having earnest and pure love, means you're zealously looking out for the good of another.  You are glad when they are glad.  Unless you have good reason, you do not assume motivations are bad.  And in the event that you do have reason to wonder, you do just that- WONDER- with questions directed at them, rather than accusations.  Being unloving is a poison that will slowly infect your soul and inevitably, will drive a wedge between you and EVERYONE- jealous hearts separate Christians, one from another.  We constantly need to remind ourselves of the forgiveness we have from Christ.  Dwelling on Ephesians 4:31-32 and questioning myself through 1 Corinthians 13, is always helpful:

1.  Is what I'm doing patient?
2.  Am I being kind in my heart and outwardly?
3.  How might I be envious?  Is there something I want that is going to that person- or something that I just don't want that person to have (i.e. admiration from others, money, a sense of fashion:)?
4.  Am I boasting about myself to others or that person, in order to exalt myself (for girls, this is a little bit more subtle- but it comes often, in the form of taking credit for things, for which we don't deserve credit)?
5.  Am I being arrogant, by having an overwhelming sense of my value in any given situation (i.e. I am indispensable to a cause or even, to others, because of some role I deem as much more important than it is)?
6.  How am I being rude?  One of our pastors says he believes this is a sin that we most often overlook, because we most often fail in it.  Rudeness encompasses anytime you are not considering others more highly than yourself, maybe in speech, in your head, in your obligations, in your actions.
7.  Do I insist on my own way?  Am I unwilling to consider another's way of doing things, another's thoughts on things, even if I am in charge and have been doing it for much longer and have greater experience?
8.  Am I irritable or resentful?  If I am easily irritated or resentful of someone, it is because I have been dwelling on some unlovely thought about that person, and being so disposed, and am unwilling to let it go in my response.
9.  Do I rejoice in wrong-doing?  This is perhaps, easy to disregard: of course I don't rejoice in wrong-doing!  But, in thinking about it, might I savor the thought of others disliking a person that I don't like?  Do I relish the idea of this person mis-stepping, and having all see it?  Would I enjoy morsels of gossip, even if I don't partake in the actual dispensing of it?
10. How can I rejoice with the truth in this situation?  Thinking about what Christ has done for me, might help me to rejoice in that He's done it for others too!