Control

Because of recent events, there is quite a bit of exploitation and the expected cry for sweeping reforms and legislation regarding gun-control.  As always, the world witnesses something terrible, and in knee-jerk fashion, responds with measures that will limit the symptoms of a much deeper problem.  And opportunistic politicians start leading the band wagon toward their typically control-centered-governing-ideological agendas, cloaked in sanctimonious jargon that can cull tears on cue.  And the masses, in an understandably vulnerable state, accept their solutions, wholesale.

However, my observations are more important than politics.  It is that I see, as always, the fleshly desire for absolute sovereignty.  We MUST control at all costs, to avoid catastrophes and to make life more pleasant.  I know that in my natural-man-state, I have that desire- to control things around me, to be in charge, to manage.  The problem with control: it addresses only the external.  And as Christians, we are called to CONSTANTLY be addressing the internal- our hearts.

As a mom of four, I have grown increasingly aware of my deep-seated desire to control things, because the chaos around me grows as the kids do.  And sometimes, it is easy to justify a desire for things to be right and orderly, because really, obedience and hard-working-ness are godly.  But I have noticed a few things in the early days of parenting that I think have been good learning points for me.

1.   I have my kids on schedules (that are FLEXIBLE, by the way) because it is good for THEM and my hopes for them is that it will encourage their relationship with the Lord.  I want them to have time where they are forced to just think or imagine or pray (during rest/nap time or in the morning at wake-up time).  They can consider what's around them more and actually have time for potential reflection.  If they do not become believers, than it is a good exercise in self-restraint.  Children can learn to be quiet and recognize that every word out of their mouths is not a gem of wisdom gracing all present hearers.  Rather, they need to learn to be considerate of their potentially still-sleeping roommates, or they can self-entertain, be more thoughtful and even, grow in patience.  And yes, a lovely by-product is that I get to be up early, doing my devotions and the treadmill and getting a shower in before they're up.  But when that by-product becomes a must-have, I am called to check myself and recalibrate my purpose.
      Kids should NEVER be on a schedule because of control.  If you find yourself using the excuse, "my house should not be child-centered, but parent-centered," then you're on the right-sounding wrong path.  Controlling your kids schedules so that you can have time for you, for your husband, for dinner-making, for any other often self-righteous-sounding reason, or whatever, is absolutely wrongly-motivated.  Trying to maintain a pre-child relationship with your husband, for example, does not mean you are putting off child-centeredness.  Rather, you are putting on self-centeredness.  Sure, date nights are generally good.  They're supposed to be fun.  But rigidly holding to them, while ensuring that all conversation is centered on you and your husband is at best, hollow.  Viewing children as disruptions to what's most important, is absolutely control-centered.  Of course they will bring great change with them.  That does not mean you have become child-centered.  When the change is heartily embraced, it means that you are learning to love sacrificially.  With the change, you are still called to be your husband's helper, and the keeper of the house.  You'll be able to do this without setting up artificial boundaries on how this has to be achieved.  The Lord will provide for you to be able to obey His Word even with the "interruptions" (1 Corinthians 10:13).  Fitting them into the perfect three-hour feed schedule, twice-daily nap schedule and 12-hour sleep schedule (which is going to happen because you'll ignore their cries), is not really keeping the child-centeredness at bay, but rather potentially inviting your own sense of peace to secure itself on the supreme altar of worship.  So, there is nothing wrong with scheduling- but there is something HUGELY wrong with your potential motivations for scheduling!    Beyond that, remember, your children take their cues from you.  If you rigidly schedule them, then you are also teaching them that human control can achieve perfect peace.  They might have difficulty then, being flexible, and learning that the Lord is in control at all times.

2.  Yes, I do want my children to obey.  However, my desire for their obedience does NOT trump my desire for their hearts to change (Proverbs 4:23).  Behavior modification alone never addresses the deeper issues in their hearts (Ephesians 6:4).  It is so important to remember this in parenting.  An example: I have found that an easy way to control is to shoot your kids looks, when their public behavior is not "up to par."  Trying to achieve a response through this is only manipulation and I am potentially teaching them the fear of man!  Can I get an "UGH" to the flesh!!! It is very easy to achieve a sense of control over my children because right now, they care deeply about what I think.  But I have to walk so carefully here.  I want them to care FAR more what the Lord thinks.  So reminding them of this, and asking forgiveness if I have tried to control through withering glares, or idle threats is imperative to our growth.  Remember, them sinning and SEEING their sin, is actually good. The law is supposed to cause us to see our need for Jesus.  So when they sin and cannot seem to get their way out, that is when you teach them that the Holy Spirit is stronger.  Every disobedience is an opportunity for you and them to see the Lord's grace in their lives.  So work on not being inconvenienced and trying to control the situation- I am talking to myself here:).

Anyway, I have addressed these things here, because sometimes, for me, it has been easy to justify my controlling desires, by not calling a spade a spade.  And I have found these parenting pitfalls to be common in the Christian arena.  May God give us grace in our parenting, and help us to seek His wisdom, which never offers one-size fits-all formulas, but rather, causes us to do the hard work of studying His Word and variously applying its principles in all things (2 Peter 1:3)!!!