Homeschooling

These past six months, I've been prevented from posting because I have been entrenched in the busy-ness of five kids and homeschooling.  That came to a screeching halt just yesterday, when I mailed off our completed assessment exams for the year.  Yea for Summer!  Mark just called me moments ago and asked me: what are you going to do with all this free time now?  Oh Hubby, the time is hardly free!  But for one thing: I'm going to blog about something that has been on my mind for several months, HOMESCHOOLING!

Homeschooling is a preference for our family for a number of reasons.  At this point in our journey, we are just not comfortable sending our kids to traditional school.  I don't know when we will be, and of course, there are variables with each of our children which would prevent us from making a one-size-fits-all decision.  I have read books like Going Public, which I found to be decidedly unhelpful in our own family dialogue when choosing homeschooling, even though I find traditional school to be a perfectly viable option for some families for differing reasons.  But it brought up arguments that I thought were flimsy and easily dismantled.  We educated ourselves before homeschooling, and ultimately landed on the option as the best for us.  And maybe at some point, I will write out the reasons why we chose homeschooling for this season.

So while there is some good rationale, and putting a spiritual spin on it, personal convictions, for why people choose traditional schooling, there is a slew of statements that I hear regularly from people on why they won't consider homeschooling, the most popular four, listed below.  Please don't read me as saying all people should homeschool.  This is simply a list of faulty logic on why people don't homeschool. I want to reiterate: if you prayerfully and wisely choose homeschooling or traditional schooling, more power to you!  I am not picking on traditional schoolers, because really, I hear a lot of reasons to homeschool that are full of holes (almost all are fear-based).  I only list these arguments because I hear them commonly.  Bottom line, when deciding what to do: think through your reasons.  Hold them up to Scripture and ask the Holy Spirit to show you fault lines in your philosophy that might be a result of some hidden idolatry or misguided exaltation.

1.  I don't want my child to be socially inept.  
I hear this constantly.  I get it.  You grew up in an era when homeschooling was a bastion of dorks. They stood out like flies on white rice, walking around in their homemade jean jumpers and velcro shoes, red flags signaling: nerd alert!

But it's not like this anymore.  Homeschooling has grown hugely popular and the prevailing characteristic is no longer its geekiness.  The homeschool brand has been redesigned and is so far-reaching that people from diametrically opposed viewpoints are equally a part of the movement.

However, what the social argument does, to believers, is reveal a potentially worldly viewpoint that is based on false premises.

• As believers, we shouldn't be so consumed with our kids being "cool" or "normal" that they "fit in" that this trump any other card.  Being cool in the world often comes at the expense of Christian virtues.  School-cool is electronics-savvy (I can't say enough about the problem with this), brand-obsessing, and peer-comparing.  If your desire is for your child to fit in with this, you may have a problem with you and your child being "of the world."
• I don't want my children's peers to teach my children how to socialize.  Even children under believing parents are generally not concerned with the "one anothers" as much as with "me, myself and I" and "potty talk," which are only encouraged in peer-dominated environments.
• Pretty sure traditional school has produced its share of social "nerds."  Most innovators have a propensity for all things "nerdy" and without them, we wouldn't have the iPhone or Common Core (tongue-in-cheek on that last one).  My high school had a number of students called "band nerds."  As an aside, the nerdiness pendulum is in constant motion, as those "band nerds" are actually "cool" today- which again, should give us pause as we consider: why are we allowing the world's fickle dictates to determine our children's personality value??? 
• Traditional or homeschooled, your child's ability to socialize well actually falls squarely on your shoulders.  You teach your child social skills, or else the world will.  

2.  I could never do that.  I'm not smart enough.

Okay, who of you were educated by rocket scientists?!?  Seriously.  Your educators were TEACHERS!  They were instructed in how to instruct.  While they do have some specializations, that's what resources are for!  

Learning should be lifelong.  Schooling and learning are sadly, so separated in our minds, that as soon as we graduate, we think we don't have to read another "educational" book or sit under anymore teaching.  We don't recognize how sharpening learning is, and how important it is to continue to learn.  When we learn, we are dazzled more and more by God.  When we stagnate, so often, does our Christian walk.  

Aside from all of this, if you are one of the rare ones who cannot conquer First Grade Math A, then by all means, join a co-op where you can have help in learning how to teach it!  But don't let your fear keep you from homeschooling.  When George Washington's family couldn't afford to send him to school, he became self-taught.  I am not saying that we all have been gifted with his intellect, but learning is not beyond us.  God has made us so that we are able to retain and apply information.  You are no different than anybody else- even if your highest level of education is quite lower than your peers.  

Resources are deep and wide and overwhelming.  If your greatest fear of homeschooling is YOU, then stop thinking about you and start researching all that is out there.  Moreover, teaching is your duty...more on that below.

3.  My child and I have incompatible personalities, so our head-butting makes schooling at home an impossibility.

If this is truly the main reason you don't homeschool, your problems are much bigger than school options.  You have now deferred your child's rearing to the world.  Regardless of your child's personality and your education choice, you are still called to teach your child.  God's Word is clear that as parents, we are responsible to train our children "when we sit down, rise up," etc.  If you have a particularly difficult child (who doesn't???), you're not given a pass on your responsibility. Even if your kids are under someone else's tutelage, you must oversee what is happening and reinforce it at home.  I pity the poor teacher of the student whose parents said he's unteachable at home, because that is a heart issue- and that teacher will become the brunt of it.  That child doesn't want to submit to your authority-- this will manifest itself, even if you have temporarily disabled it by redirection.

4.  We don't want to hide our light, but to be a light shining in the darkness.

Fair enough...if your child is a Christian, and beyond that, if your child is a light.  If not, your child will only be reveling in the darkness like all the rest.  Truly, school grounds can be a great place to share your faith- note: YOUR faith.  But don't live under false pretenses: if your child does not have a solid spiritual foundation that is unashamed of the Gospel, even a fledgling Christian will tend to conform rather than reform.  And though I really don't have a huge problem with this argument in the event that your child is a strong believer, I still wonder if traditional primary school is the best mission field...maybe/maybe not.

Please feel free to discuss with me, as I am still learning, too! I don't have all of my ducks in a row, and I walk in ignorant inconsistency because I have this dastardly flesh that I am battling and it lends itself to imperfect understanding.  It is helpful to me to hear other viewpoints.  So by all means, don't clam up if you think I am out to lunch!

tradi-tioooon...TRADITION!

I was scrambling.  We had JUST finished Halloween, but there we were, two days into November and I hadn't put up my chart of construction paper thankfulness slips.  So swiftly November 2nd was drawing to a close, I grabbed pens, threw two strips of paper at each child, suppressed the temptation to yell, but still, frazzled and frantic told them: "QUICK!  Write two things you're thankful for!  We're behind."  I grabbed Bethany's (as she's too young to be able to write her own) and asked her what she was thankful for.  Unable to coax out anything more meaningful than "pink," I quickly scribbled on her paper, wrote Lottie's and then wrote two of my own.  Great start to the season of perpetual gratitude.

I reminded Mark that he was behind on his thankfulness cards and needed to get crackin'.  In less eloquent terms, he informed me that he wasn't married to the idea that our thankfulness be so perfunctory that each day needed to have its card if we were, that day, busy as bees!  

BLASPHEMY! What was this heresy ringing in my offended ears?  I paid his remark the heed any such utterance deserved and was half-tempted to write his cards for him.  But then, as his comment settled into my mind through the night, I began to wonder...was I making too much of the tradition?  

You know how it goes, you're raised in a family and taught traditions are to be cherished.  And they certainly can be fun, and can be the source of great memories.  But too, they can also degenerate into rituals that are forcing participants to just go along with whatever the demand of the Tradition Nazi.  The Tradition Nazi is an artful task-master who, even in the face of better reason and logic, has to give no other answer to his forced followers than: It's TRADITION!  And so there you go, lining up dutifully, following along, until external circumstances make the tradition more difficult for you to uphold, and soon, you're either resentfully marching in lockstep to keep the Tradition Nazi off your back, or else you're boldly disavowing the tradition, to glares and hisses of the TN Soldiers.  Though soon, the Tradition Nazi may find himself all by his lonesome, holding fast to the rules of the original tradition.

And that was becoming me.  I had begun to view the TRADITION of writing out our thankfulness, to be more important than the actual practice that it was originally trying to teach my children: to stoke in themselves hearts of gratitude.  Traditions are usually built around something that was good...trying to get everyone together, to encourage friendship, hospitality, worship, fellowship, whatever it might be.  And that is good.  But too, traditions are made to be broken.  We are people who cannot stave off the dynamic lives we live...nothing is stagnant...time marches on without assent to the Tradition Nazi.  Things change and so traditions are broken and in the truest sense of the word, are no longer traditions.  But what can remain steady are the intangibles behind the tradition.  The spirit of the tradition can hold strong.  Just because fatigued and recently hospital-released Great Aunt Margie can't be at the lighting of the fourth advent candle, does not mean that fellowship and worship has died.  So continue on, letting your traditions morph, and become what may...that's what I'm clinging to this Christmas season, as my Tradition Nazi spirit succumbs to its own over-stimulated and sleep-deprived state and allows The Best Christmas Pageant Ever to be read to my children by an iPad app!

You DO Owe An Explanation

Ever since our world decided it was a tolerant society that espoused non-judgment and life in happy bubbles, untouched by human questions, reasoning, and toxicity of any kind, I have noticed lots of people say phrases along the lines of: you don't owe anyone an explanation.

Might I be so bold to raise my red flag high as it'll go?

Since when did "Why?" become so offensive?  For that matter, why have all questions become so offensive when they are about our "personal " choices?  Dare I say it's because we have exalted ourselves to God-status and think that we should not ever have to answer for ourselves?

In my reading this morning, one of the verses that stood out to me as a reminder was Proverbs 27:17, "Iron sharpens iron and one man sharpens another." And later,  James 4:19-20, which talks about a friend turning another from the error of his ways, as he wanders from the truth.  How can either of these relationship markers happen without questioning?

As a parent of five children (and Lord-willing, six soon), I am asked a lot of questions.  Because one of ours is adopted from Korea, some of the questions we get asked are phrased downright rudely.  HOWEVER, regardless of their poor choice of words, people want explanations.  How do you do it?   Is he adopted?  Is he one of yours?  Are you done?  How long will you homeschool?  Do you use birth control?  How many are your own?  Why do you homeschool?  Do you think people who choose public school are wrong?  Do you think people who have no kids are wrong?  ET CETERA!

Yes, these are all just some of the questions I get when I take my five little ones out and about.  And if they aren't verbally asking the questions, their stares ask it all.

Lots of people would call this nosiness (or even "judgmental").  I don't think so.  I think it is living in community with people who are doing what they're wired to do: seek explanations for their observations.  And I owe them. I owe them explanations because my explanations should point them smack dab to The Lord and Gospel.  And if my explanations fall short of that, then my sight should be fixed on me and trying to sort through why I do what I do and why it isn't properly pointing itself vertically.  That's what questions do.  The questions are neutral, the answers, not so much.  As water reflects the face of man, so man's heart, reflects the man (Proverbs 27:19).  An effective way to know what is in the heart, is to draw it out through questions.

I think of Job, who was asked a myriad of questions by his counterparts, and ultimately, was told to "gird up [his] loins" as he would be asked questions by the Almighty, Himself.  All of the answers reflected who Job was and allowed him to reflect on who God is.  So next time you're tempted to think you are an island, an independent agent operating on your own agenda, think again.  You owe us an explanation, and you might sort out your reasons so that when shaken down, your conscience aligns itself with your actions (James 4:17).

Verses I've been thinking about:

Do not be quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools. Eccl. 7:9

The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble. Prov. 16:14

A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool. Prov. 17:10

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but in every respect, has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Heb. 4:15

Dr-iz-ama!

If you've ever watched any reality TV, then you know that part and parcel of all of it, is the interview portion of each segment.  This is when the stars of the show vent their spleens about other characters on the show.  The more tawdry it is, the more screen-time that character will get.  Sadly, for the most part, the ones that cause the biggest ruckuses are female.  And the universal plot to each tale is generally something like: I was friends with A, and we hated B, but now A is getting under my skin, so I'm aligning myself with B and we are both observing how much about A we just can't stand.  The bond between the women is forged based on their mutual derision for somebody else.  And of course, that bond is easily broken when the women begin to notice character flaws in one another, so they must seek others to help them sort through the observed problems with the next character.  The women cycle through their friends in the show and often repeat the cycle, at various points declaring their friendships completely finished.  A wise viewer knows that the friendship will be restored, at some point, only to be wrecked again.

These interviews are a good microcosm of what happens in the unchecked flesh, believer or unbeliever.  As women, our interpersonal communication and relationships can be marked by these nasty cycles of love and hate.  As believers, there is much more required of us, though, rather than living in such a way with other women.  A few observations when we struggle in our relationships or outlooks of others:

1.  We tend to repeat what we think somebody meant RATHER than what somebody actually said.  This begins in our heads.  We might replay a conversation that we had with the object of our contempt, emphasizing words, tones, or even changing the context entirely, of what was said because we are PRETTY sure that the motivations of that person are dubious, at best.  If you cannot FACTUALLY say what actually happened, you need to check yourself.  In the most innocent of situations, it's because you simply can't remember what was literally said.  And in the case of forgetfulness, you should not repeat it in your head or otherwise.  If you say what you think was meant, then you've crossed the line into judging others' motivations.  And your credibility as well as faithfulness are now in jeopardy.  If you believe the offending party meant something by the words you heard and you simply cannot overlook it, you need to go ONLY to the offending party and without accusation, simply ask: hey, what did you mean when you said this?  And if the absolute worst that you suspected comes out (i.e. "I said it because I hate you," "I said it because I'm jealous of you," "I said it because..."), then you are to seek a way to reconcile.  And if you don't secure the answer that you suspect might actually be the reason for what the person said, it is your job to overlook, not your job to hound until you get a confession.

2.  We tend toward pigeon-hole-myopia.  We spot something that is truly a character flaw or pattern of sin in another person and we allow our flesh to feast on observations of that person fulfilling what we know is there.  For instance, if we know that somebody struggles with jealousy, we get satisfaction from observing her showing her jealousy in various situations.  If we recognize that somebody is deceptive, eats too much, needs lots of attention, always has to be right, speaks poorly or incorrectly, tends to exaggerate, gossips, or a host of other things, we keep our eyes peeled for instances of that person acting out these tendencies.  And the more others around us recognize it too, the more we feel bolstered and affirmed in ourselves.  As Christians, our wickedness is compounded when we know overt gossip is wrong, so we subtly indict the other person with our words, often using kind phrases like, "I love so-and-so to death, but...," or "I would totally tell this to her to, she just..."  This might, in fact, be the hardest part for us to recognize because it reveals in us grave wickedness that is so vile that it would rejoice when others do the wrong we knew they would do!  The solution: be of the mindset that you don't know the worst of that person and you don't need to know it.  You are worse than you let on, too! Be determined to see the good things and victories in that person, and rather than rejoice when you smell the stench of sin, gently encourage that person to do right.  Don't harp on the wrong in your head or worse, through your words.  Remember that you are a sinner too!  

3.  We set up great expectations and are shattered when they go unmet.  If you find yourself being let down by any relationship, chances are, you didn't recognize and make room for their own sinfulness or personality.  I have one sweet friend who likes to chat on the phone.  I even always laugh because she is so young, but hates technology and so I tell her that truly, she must be an old woman on the inside.  It would be easy for her to set up expectations that I talk to her on a regular basis and be disappointed when she found that I simply can't, at this juncture in my life.  In the same way, it would be easy for me to set up expectations for her that she respond quickly to my texts and emails, and be sorely disappointed when she didn't in a timely manner.  I need to check such expectations at the door.  Sure, consideration is important.  But if someone isn't as considerate as you would like her to be, don't assume she doesn't care about you and then get hurt and angry.  Rather, know that like you, she has sinful tendencies.  Don't require her to be someone she simply isn't.  Yes, personalities need to be changed in light of Christ, but it's not your job to always call her out on what you see...or else, she won't want to be your friend anymore because it's just not worth the hassle.  The same thing happens in marriage.  You might justify yourself by saying: this is my love language and I wanted to be treated in this way.  STOP LIMITING YOUR SPOUSE TO WHAT YOU THINK REPRESENTS LOVE!  Unless he explicitly tells you otherwise, know your spouse loves you.  Determine that you will make it easy for him to love you and will call him out on PATTERNS (not one-time instances) of self-centeredness, because of your concern for HIM rather than for yourself.  An example: I love cards and letters.  My husband knows this.  Out of consideration for me, he writes me cards and letters on all of our special occasions.  Early in marriage, I upped the ante.  I wanted RANDOM cards and letters to show that he'd been thinking of me through the day.  I'd set an expectation on our relationship that was not fair to his personality- which was not selfish just because he didn't have time at work and cards and letters took much effort for him.  He was already being sacrificial by writing these beautiful notes to me on our five special occasions of the year.  I found myself placing emphasis on something so ridiculous because I wanted to know he loved me in the way that I defined love, rather than recognizing that my requirements were external and had grown into idols.  The solution: set only biblical expectations.  Your husband is required to love you as Christ the church.  Recognize ways that he does this (provides, honors, sacrifices for, etc.).  Don't set up false ways that Christ loved the church and require him to meet those too.  In other relationships, you are required to honor your parents, children, to obey, friends, to love at all times.  Don't stretch these into external expectations that you alone have deemed to fulfill each of these commands (or descriptions).  Because even in them, we won't be perfect, and we need those in relationship with us to be tolerant and they need us to be the same toward them.

4.  I expect my friends to be exactly like me, and if not, I begin to distance myself.  This is another manifestation of number three, but worth mentioning, because I notice in the reality shows that the women get worked up often, when they simply don't understand the words or actions of another.  Have you ever given advice, only to have it disregarded?  Have you then gotten angry because your advice wasn't followed?  That is because the way I am (so I think), is the only RIGHT way to be.  We must allow for gray areas to be gray.  Do not cut off fellowship with another because you don't agree with the way she does some things.  Even if your way truly is a WISER way or BETTER way to do things, God has to bring that conviction to the person, if necessary, not you. 

I have been meditating on various parts of the book of James this past month and in particular, in recent days, James 4:11-12, "Do not speak evil against one another, brothers.  The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law.  But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge.  There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy.  But who are you to judge your neighbor?"  I am called not to speak evil against my brothers (and sisters), by my careless, derisive, or critical spirit (to name a few), or else I have determined me to be the judge, rather than God, on what is right and wrong.  Judging is something that happens internally before it makes its way to the external.  If I see a sin and have done due diligence with my sister in a compassionate way, seeking to restore her (Galatians 6), then my job is done.  If I truly don't know what's going on in the heart of another, I need to overlook it and realize that God is the judge, and that is enough. As Christian women, we can do better in our relationships.  Don't be reality show drama.  Seek peace and pursue it.

Tell Yourself the Truth

A good practice: wake up each morning and assess in the quiet of your heart and before The Lord how your day before went.  Think through the things you did and said.  Acknowledge in total truth, as much as you can, the motivations for those things.  Ask God to help you to be honest about them.  And find the patterns of sin.  You might start to see how you are totally selfish, self-focused, easily-angered, jealous, bitter, lazy, undisciplined, ungodly, harsh, rude, whatever it may be.  Confess before The Lord that this is the person you are in the flesh, reminding yourself of Romans 7, that you do what you don't want to do, and of Romans 8, that there is victory when we walk according to the Spirit.  Pray preemptively for your day, and plan for the things you know: I will be stuck in traffic and instead of being angry, I will listen to a sermon and sing songs of praise; I am going to be up through the night with my little one, and I will not mutter complaints, fueling that spirit, but I will instead, pray that I would bring grace and discipline (if necessary and appropriate) to him/her in the night; I have an ongoing disagreement with my spouse, but instead of commenting further, I will shut my mouth and pray; I have to deal with the anger of my child, and I will be compassionate rather than angered in return; I have a house in disarray and I need to clean it to be a helper to my husband and an example to my kids- so I won't give in to laziness or making excuses as to why it's not done again.  There is absolutely no shortage of daily challenges.  But adding insult to injury is when we are dishonest about our sinful responses.  And if you absolutely cannot figure out how you tend to go wrong, ask someone!  Your first inclination to their answer might be to defend yourself and give all kinds of reasons for why they see what they see.  Don't do it.  You are the one who benefits from hearing the truth, because it allows you that much more ability to truthfully confess and pray through your weaknesses, giving you a leg up on your sinfulness and allowing you to begin having victories, where formerly, there were just failures.  God gives grace to the humble- and you cannot be humble until you acknowledge your sin.

Your Biggest Flaws Article

Thought this article was really helpful.

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2013/05/30/why-you-cant-see-your-biggest-flaws/