These interviews are a good microcosm of what happens in the unchecked flesh, believer or unbeliever. As women, our interpersonal communication and relationships can be marked by these nasty cycles of love and hate. As believers, there is much more required of us, though, rather than living in such a way with other women. A few observations when we struggle in our relationships or outlooks of others:
1. We tend to repeat what we think somebody meant RATHER than what somebody actually said. This begins in our heads. We might replay a conversation that we had with the object of our contempt, emphasizing words, tones, or even changing the context entirely, of what was said because we are PRETTY sure that the motivations of that person are dubious, at best. If you cannot FACTUALLY say what actually happened, you need to check yourself. In the most innocent of situations, it's because you simply can't remember what was literally said. And in the case of forgetfulness, you should not repeat it in your head or otherwise. If you say what you think was meant, then you've crossed the line into judging others' motivations. And your credibility as well as faithfulness are now in jeopardy. If you believe the offending party meant something by the words you heard and you simply cannot overlook it, you need to go ONLY to the offending party and without accusation, simply ask: hey, what did you mean when you said this? And if the absolute worst that you suspected comes out (i.e. "I said it because I hate you," "I said it because I'm jealous of you," "I said it because..."), then you are to seek a way to reconcile. And if you don't secure the answer that you suspect might actually be the reason for what the person said, it is your job to overlook, not your job to hound until you get a confession.
2. We tend toward pigeon-hole-myopia. We spot something that is truly a character flaw or pattern of sin in another person and we allow our flesh to feast on observations of that person fulfilling what we know is there. For instance, if we know that somebody struggles with jealousy, we get satisfaction from observing her showing her jealousy in various situations. If we recognize that somebody is deceptive, eats too much, needs lots of attention, always has to be right, speaks poorly or incorrectly, tends to exaggerate, gossips, or a host of other things, we keep our eyes peeled for instances of that person acting out these tendencies. And the more others around us recognize it too, the more we feel bolstered and affirmed in ourselves. As Christians, our wickedness is compounded when we know overt gossip is wrong, so we subtly indict the other person with our words, often using kind phrases like, "I love so-and-so to death, but...," or "I would totally tell this to her to, she just..." This might, in fact, be the hardest part for us to recognize because it reveals in us grave wickedness that is so vile that it would rejoice when others do the wrong we knew they would do! The solution: be of the mindset that you don't know the worst of that person and you don't need to know it. You are worse than you let on, too! Be determined to see the good things and victories in that person, and rather than rejoice when you smell the stench of sin, gently encourage that person to do right. Don't harp on the wrong in your head or worse, through your words. Remember that you are a sinner too!
3. We set up great expectations and are shattered when they go unmet. If you find yourself being let down by any relationship, chances are, you didn't recognize and make room for their own sinfulness or personality. I have one sweet friend who likes to chat on the phone. I even always laugh because she is so young, but hates technology and so I tell her that truly, she must be an old woman on the inside. It would be easy for her to set up expectations that I talk to her on a regular basis and be disappointed when she found that I simply can't, at this juncture in my life. In the same way, it would be easy for me to set up expectations for her that she respond quickly to my texts and emails, and be sorely disappointed when she didn't in a timely manner. I need to check such expectations at the door. Sure, consideration is important. But if someone isn't as considerate as you would like her to be, don't assume she doesn't care about you and then get hurt and angry. Rather, know that like you, she has sinful tendencies. Don't require her to be someone she simply isn't. Yes, personalities need to be changed in light of Christ, but it's not your job to always call her out on what you see...or else, she won't want to be your friend anymore because it's just not worth the hassle. The same thing happens in marriage. You might justify yourself by saying: this is my love language and I wanted to be treated in this way. STOP LIMITING YOUR SPOUSE TO WHAT YOU THINK REPRESENTS LOVE! Unless he explicitly tells you otherwise, know your spouse loves you. Determine that you will make it easy for him to love you and will call him out on PATTERNS (not one-time instances) of self-centeredness, because of your concern for HIM rather than for yourself. An example: I love cards and letters. My husband knows this. Out of consideration for me, he writes me cards and letters on all of our special occasions. Early in marriage, I upped the ante. I wanted RANDOM cards and letters to show that he'd been thinking of me through the day. I'd set an expectation on our relationship that was not fair to his personality- which was not selfish just because he didn't have time at work and cards and letters took much effort for him. He was already being sacrificial by writing these beautiful notes to me on our five special occasions of the year. I found myself placing emphasis on something so ridiculous because I wanted to know he loved me in the way that I defined love, rather than recognizing that my requirements were external and had grown into idols. The solution: set only biblical expectations. Your husband is required to love you as Christ the church. Recognize ways that he does this (provides, honors, sacrifices for, etc.). Don't set up false ways that Christ loved the church and require him to meet those too. In other relationships, you are required to honor your parents, children, to obey, friends, to love at all times. Don't stretch these into external expectations that you alone have deemed to fulfill each of these commands (or descriptions). Because even in them, we won't be perfect, and we need those in relationship with us to be tolerant and they need us to be the same toward them.
4. I expect my friends to be exactly like me, and if not, I begin to distance myself. This is another manifestation of number three, but worth mentioning, because I notice in the reality shows that the women get worked up often, when they simply don't understand the words or actions of another. Have you ever given advice, only to have it disregarded? Have you then gotten angry because your advice wasn't followed? That is because the way I am (so I think), is the only RIGHT way to be. We must allow for gray areas to be gray. Do not cut off fellowship with another because you don't agree with the way she does some things. Even if your way truly is a WISER way or BETTER way to do things, God has to bring that conviction to the person, if necessary, not you.
I have been meditating on various parts of the book of James this past month and in particular, in recent days, James 4:11-12, "Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?" I am called not to speak evil against my brothers (and sisters), by my careless, derisive, or critical spirit (to name a few), or else I have determined me to be the judge, rather than God, on what is right and wrong. Judging is something that happens internally before it makes its way to the external. If I see a sin and have done due diligence with my sister in a compassionate way, seeking to restore her (Galatians 6), then my job is done. If I truly don't know what's going on in the heart of another, I need to overlook it and realize that God is the judge, and that is enough. As Christian women, we can do better in our relationships. Don't be reality show drama. Seek peace and pursue it.
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