Training Up a Child

We have been working on our Judah, attempting to teach him to rein it in, especially with adults. The most recent example happened last night when we were going to a friend's house for the Superbowl, and so we reminded Judah of appropriate responses. When greeted, for example, we told him to greet people and not be goofy. Oddly to the outsider, we warned him against untying others' shoes and doling out frenetic spankings. Our intention is certainly not to embarrass our boy, who is just having fun. I love telling him how fun it is to do things when appropriate. BUT, I've been considering how to tell a nearly four-year-old to read the signs when a grown-up is done playing...probably too big of a lesson for his youth. And again, he went too far yesterday, hurling plastic toys at one of our friends.

I think the line is ultra-fine with little ones and I earnestly try not to shame him because he genuinely thinks that everything's in fun. But I also want him to understand timing. I think this will come with age, but in the interim, we are forced to single out every behavior that is not okay, recognizing his inability to identify when his fun has gone into hyperactive mode. Last night, for instance, he did obey us, leaving all shoe laces tied and bums un-spanked (at least by him). BUT, the newest manifestation of his excitement (toy-throwing) is the next thing to address. So this morning we had a good conversation about how we NEVER throw toys that aren't meant to be thrown, especially at people.

I must admit, about a year ago, this kind of behavior would have set me on edge. I would have been nervous about the responses of people around us, and Judah's reputation (and our reputation), etc. But, thankfully, I understand that this is pretty typical behavior that needs to be trained out of him...and people will think what they think regardless of our flaws, anyway! More, as my mom always says, we are all worse than what anyone really knows about us, anyway [so it's important not to sweat it]! Anyway, Judah did call and leave a message of apology on the voicemail of the friend whose head became the plastic-toy target. But as I was thinking about it, and talking it out with Mark, I recognized in Judah the very way that I am!

Growing up, I remember my mom often warning me when I was goofing around, that I was starting to play with the going-too-far line. I don't think I was ever really able to discern where that line was so easily, often breaching it, only to realize that I was the only one still laughing, while others around me were aggravated. In fact, as I swiftly approach 32 years (though I've never looked younger- ha:), I have to often internally quote Proverbs 10:19: When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.

I have very few childhood memories, but one thing that stands out, is when I was at a church family picnic, playing tag with a number of other kids and a few adults. One of the fun-loving adults chased me down and tagged me. I remember him running off to the picnic area, picking up a spatula and readying himself to turn the meat on the barbecue. Not understanding that he was leaving the game (at least momentarily), I raced up as fast as I could and tagged him, probably with an overzealous smack to the back. I was laughing and making haste, when he firmly called out to me and told me to return. He then told me that the game was over and it was not appropriate to have tagged him back and that it hurt. I remember the spatula being used as a pointer, and me feeling extraordinarily sheepish. I'm sure I turned bright red, as I do today (at the drop of a hat). If I had a tail, it would've been firmly tucked away, as I walked back to where the other kids were playing. I recall that for years, I avoided him anytime I saw him at church or teaching Sunday school.

As an adult, I now have a better grasp of the situation. I am sure that the man (who was probably no older than I am now), meant nothing harmful by his chastisement, and had no inkling about the oversensitivity of a young girl who lacked an annoyance radar! In fact, I have no doubt that he never even remembered any such interaction with me and didn't even know that I was avoiding him for years after that occurrence, still chagrined by what I saw as a dressing-down. BUT, that little memory has taught me several lessons along the way, especially now as I am a mom to one who seems disposed to crossing the foolishness line all-too-often.

Lessons learned from the spatula:

1. I want to be sensitive to kids in singling them out, being sure to be gentle in my admonitions. This is hard to do when you see a child acting especially exuberant, who doesn't seem to have a tender heart. But, it's been great for me to remember that "...God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). Just because I don't see the tenderness of a child (or adult), doesn't mean that I have a right to give a harsh admonition. The distance that such can create between me and my audience, might be enough to blot out my credibility and potentially do more damage than good. Then again, my assumption is that I would be talking to one spiritually younger than I, so to cause a chasm would be to cause "one of these little ones to stumble" (Matthew 18:6).

2. I want to be sure that if I engage a child in hyperactive play, that I make certain to allow buffer time for a cool-off period. If I've been acting nutty with my kids (which honestly, happens pretty often), it would not be fair to them for me to say: now knock it off, Mama wants to make dinner! Rather, I want to slow down gently and explain that it was so fun to goof around, but now at this time, I expect the silliness to stop so that I can tend to such-and-such. "...How delightful is a timely word" (Prov. 15:23).

3. With a boy like ours, I want to gently teach him that there is a time and place for fun, but fun that goes too far is never fun for anyone else. More, while I'd like to think that adults around him will be sensitive to his little heart, I also know that this won't always be the case. So, my hope is to dialogue with him when adults do wrongly chastise him, helping him to understand that his job is to obey and then forgive from the heart, if he is feeling wounded by stern words. However, there are situations, as the story above, when I didn't give anyone a chance to explain. I was too embarrassed to ever tell my mom what had happened, but I'm thankful that God did teach me forgiveness as a result. I now recognize that the guy who didn't want to be back-smacked (such audacity:), is a really godly person, though he might've misspoken at the time. I'm thankful that my outlook has changed, because the working of the Holy Spirit. More, I'm thankful I have the opportunity to teach my son not only what the Bible says about his heart, but about my similar experiences that might shed light for him on things he'll have to work through in his little life. He brings us much joy, and my prayer is that his spirit won't be hampered while training him toward impeccable timing. We praise the Lord for him and want to tenderly coax his heart, making his "ear attentive to wisdom [so that he would] incline [his] heart to understanding" (Prov 2:2).