From My Head

I have not written on the blog in a very long time- actual thoughts. But, it's not for lack of material. On the contrary, almost daily, I have some thoughts that it'd be neat to get feedback on or just to share- and not just with my kids! But almost daily, my life is inundated with things to do, so I never actually get much of a chance to sit down and write anything. I have to say, I've conceded this. I used to think that if I could choose any profession, I'd be an author. I love writing- although these days, I love editing more than writing. But, my skills have dulled with age and with a lack of brainfood as I don't have too much time to sit and read- which is the best way to learn to write. Daily, I read my Bible and if I never read anything but that again, it is well worth it. Recently, I read the final installment to a trilogy that I'd put off for about seven years. I REALLY enjoyed reading it- not because it was anything noteworthy (obviously- given the absence of a shout-out here). But it was really great because it reminded me of the fun of reading and learning. On the other hand, it was so consuming that I don't think I would be very good at being a regular fun-reader and parent. I don't think I balance things very well sometimes, and it got me thinking.

One, I am definitely NOT sorry that I don't have time to write/read anymore. As I've grown older (and yes, the bags and wrinkles under the eyes betray my inside age- which is much older than my chronological age), I've realized that I don't want to be an author. I want to be exactly what I am: a wife and mom.

I am so thankful that God has blessed me with the opportunity to parent my kids at home. It is interesting, because there seems to be a mis-emphasis in the world on work- like the real value that any woman can contribute to society is through a job. Yet, the response that I have run across in the Christian community is sort of a defensive fire-with-fire argument. I notice that a lot of times, as a Christian mom, I might say (combatively even), "my job is harder than any job I've ever had in the world." And I might even go so far as to think that if my husband were home, he couldn't handle my job. I have to say, I can't ever remember specifically thinking/saying these things, but sometimes, this is what seems to be the response to the devaluation of a mom. And that set the wheel of my miniscule mind rolling. I started to think that such a response is counterintuitive. Wouldn't that argument only show that I believe my value is in WORK-- because I WORK more than you, I am doing a job of greater value! And then, with that, I can run into even bigger problems. What if someone in the Christian world who DESIRES to be at home, cannot afford to be, and HAS to work?!?

Now, all of that to say, this doesn't mean that there should not be a response given as to why I'm at home. Afterall, I am at home because this is where I think God has me for His purposes, and because it is a spiritual issue, I should always be ready to give a defense for the hope that lies within... So, as I've been putting my thoughts together on this: I don't think the proper response lies in how much work I do. In fact, I think that only puffs me up-- and what good is that? If I am to boast, I want to boast in the Lord. Instead, I think that the value in what I do is in my ROLE- which is clearly delineated in scripture. My role is to keep my home well. My value lies ONLY in that- the identity that Christ gives me. And, similarly, my husband's value lies in what HIS role is- to be a provider and leader. It seems crucial not to marginalize his role by pointing out how much HARDER my job is. The truth is, I have no idea if my role is harder or easier. The only thing that seems true about the work itself, is that I can't quit:) With the exception of the little sleep that the kids afford me (these days), it is a round-the-clock job. Yet, this does not give me the upperhand on worth. All I know is that whatever I do, I am to do my work heartily as for the Lord, and not for men.

So, next time I am tempted to respond haughtily (and somewhat sanctimoniously) to someone questioning how much work is at home, I think I'll try to remember that the least effective argument is building myself up...rather, I will just recognize that this is the place God has called me to, and I'm thankful that I am afforded this opportunity (especially in these hard economic times).

Two, and I'll make this point much shorter than the previous diatribe: while I would like to read more someday, I am just grateful that I have learned what I have in years past, so that my kids might be enriched. I look forward to sharing my love of certain poems (Dickinson, Thoreau, Whitman, Frost) and my great enjoyment in trying to understand the mind of hopelessness (Camus, Hemingway, Steinbeck) and juxtaposing that to the great hope that we have stored up for us in eternity. Christ came to seek and save the lost, of which, I was one. So, my role as a mom is extraordinarily valuable because God puts value in it. And I hope that role is only enriched by the things that I've learned along the way.