If You Wouldn't Do It, Don't Let Them!

I was asking my husband the other day: when I go on retreat, are you comfortable doing the girls' hair?  He said he could manage, but took a quick lesson on our go-to look (the only style that keeps their hair out of their faces and not looking completely disheveled).  This had just come on the heels of our conversation about my style choices for the kids.  He made an unusual trip with us to the clothing store last week (because he was off for my sister's wedding).  And he helped me pick out shoes for my littlest.  I respectfully declined the first hideous pair of shoes that he chose, asking if it would be okay if we opted for another.  He had grabbed one of those bright white pairs of tennis shoes with Disney princesses and its accouterments all over.  He began to ask me what it is that I would be looking for in a pair of shoes.  And I told him plainly: if it's a miniature version of something I would (or SHOULD) wear, that will work.  Moments later, we walked out of the store with a pair of shoes he chose.

The lesson is broader for me, than just in the realm of fashion.  As parents who are sometimes beleaguered by blinding pride, we often overlook what would otherwise (if it wasn't our kid), be unacceptable.  If you wouldn't or shouldn't do it, probably, neither should your offspring.  Sure, there are areas that are particular to the child.  A parent wouldn't (hopefully) be sucking on a pacifier, or scribbling outside the lines, or fake-shooting people with his finger (unless he is a bit socially awkward).  Likewise, a violent movie might be okay for a parent to take in, because of his matured level of discernment and understanding of context.  So just because it's good for the goose, doesn't mean that it's always acceptable for the gander and vice versa.  BUT, when it comes to raising our kids, we are TRAINING them to be God-fearing adults.  I remember when I made the decision not to allow my kids to walk on the couch or the ottoman.  Yes, that seems like a no-brainer to the outsider.  But you don't understand!  You get sucked into their cuteness.  You might think the game they are playing is fun, or they're being such rascally doll-faces, and so you overlook that.  And soon, they are jumping on the couch and the ottoman.  And then, they are bashing their cute little faces into the ground and you are at the emergency room explaining why your child fell from a height of four feet straight onto the hardwood, and your single and childless doctor looks askance, asking you to sit quietly in the room for just a moment as he decides whether he should call CPS or give you on-the-spot education accompanied by reams of paperwork on why you shouldn't allow your child to stand like superman on the arm of your couch, testing out his fake flying gear.

Yesterday, I was assisting in the P.E. class for our co-op.  We were playing with a parachute and trying to teach the kids various color and number games and team objectives.  Anyway, there was a little boy- who happened to be playing at the park at the same time, about two years old (at the most), watching from a few feet away.  Moments later, he was joining us with the parachute.  We had to make so many provisions for this toddler because the kindergarten and first-graders might hurt him, so we had to be more gentle with the parachute when we were trying to make waves, as he might be thrown from the handles.  I think the teacher in charge didn't want to ruffle any feathers by asking this stranger to kindly go away.  And I looked around for the mom.  She was standing close by, to my horror, looking on in admiration and taking pictures with her iPhone of her son playing with our big-kid P.E. class.  And when we finally were moving on, the little boy wouldn't leave.  The mom gently told him, "okay, we need to go get lunch now."  But when he had a meltdown, she compromised: okay, you can stay for a bit longer.  WHAT?!?  This was a private P.E. class that was being interrupted by this person who thought her child's cuteness trumped our need to get through a time of teaching.

Don't get me wrong, I think kids are darlings.  I love watching them and taking in their mannerisms and their fun characteristics.  I could probably sit for a long time, observing children and appreciating who the Lord has made them.  I've learned to love little ones and find their voices, their hair, their expressions, their chubby legs and arms, most things about them, to be charming.  They are so fun and endearing.  Yet, when that child is running the show, the cuteness melts away.  As parents, it's so easy to get engulfed in the adorable.  My admonition: DON'T DO IT!  Just because you think it's darling that your daughter wants to wear lipstick when she's one, it's not!  I have a particularly girly daughter who gushes at anything princess-y or pink.  I appreciate this about her and find it to be too sweet.  BUT, when she asks me if she can wear her fake jewelry out of the house, my answer: NO!  There are limits in life.  Play things are reserved for play time.  Allowing her to do what she wants or wear what she wants or eat what she wants, when she wants, would signal to her that she's in charge and doesn't have a parent who is appropriately limiting her flair.

Limits are a good thing, in fact, self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.  Yet, as the children grow older, because you've taught them the skills to make good decisions, hopefully there will be fewer outwardly-imposed limits as their own self-control has begun to kick into gear.  Recently, I've been allowing my oldest to begin picking out his clothes to wear for the day.  By picking his clothes for the past five years, I have modeled for him how to pick out things that match, and that are appropriate for our weather.  Like any parent, I retain my right to refuse to allow him to wear red and green plaid pants with orange striped shirts.  But, for the most part, I've noticed that he exercises maturity in his choices and is sure to leave his drawers tidy and his room free of clothing debris.  Recently, he asked me if he could wear his play work gloves to church, and for a moment, I found myself internally capitulating, before I came to and informed him that no, the work gloves needed to stay home.  I have even found church contraband in the kids' pockets, noticing they've sneaked cars and gadgets past me and into their classrooms.  Though that might seem cute, it's just not.  It can be a distraction to other kids who should be listening to the teacher and learning the lesson.  So we've taken a hard-line.  You wear and bring things that are appropriate to the situation and nothing more.  A step-further principle, treat things as they were meant- a car is meant to be fake-driven- not thrown; likewise, a bat is meant to hit a ball, not to bludgeon siblings.

Remember, though it might seem like you're taking away their fun, you're not!  You're teaching them countless good things about self-restraint.  Obviously, as believers, we all have practical wisdom that might look different from another.  You might allow your kids to run naked in the house and I don't.  That's okay!  But next time you are at a crossroads, not sure if they should do this or that, consider a few of the following non-exhaustive questions (answering 'yes' to any of them should as least make you pause, though not necessarily eliminate):

• Would I want to see an adult doing that?  
• Would I ever do that?
• Would I want to see other children doing that?
• Would restraining my child in this way put an unfair burden on my child such that it might exasperate him/her (making a toddler sit still for 45 minutes to listen to a sermon might be too much)?
• Could there be a principle that is compromised because of what I allowed (i.e. if you're saying "yes" to jumping on the couch at your house, might this give the go-ahead at others' houses and offend others?-- or allowing a child to choose his own dinner menu might keep healthy decisions at bay)?  
• Can I draw a Biblical application from saying yes or no?
• Would my child have a meltdown if I said "no" (which should mean "no" is in order to stave off idolatry)?
• What is motivating my lenience?  
• If I always say "no," what is motivating my rigidity?
• Finally, if I'm not sure if it's okay, the answer is probably likely that it's not.  

Don't get trapped!  They are like sirens, drawing you onto the rocks and into positions in parenting that you should have avoided at the onset.  Have perspective and remember the goal of parenting: to faithfully obey and impart God's Word by His grace and for His glory.