So recently, Mark and I have been thinking about the fact that we need to use a lot more Bible verses when correcting our kids. So while "children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" has served us well so far, it has sometimes been a lazy response on our parts in actually acknowledging their true transgression. This is where wisdom comes into play. And though I am not king of a great nation of God's chosen people, I am reigning empress of my little brood, so I think of Solomon's prayer in 1 Kings 3:9: So give Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people to discern between good and evil.
Typically, it's easy to tell when your child is doing good or evil. For instance, the other day, Judah so kindly offered Ezra all of his tomatoes. After doing so, he turned to me and asked, "Did God see me give Ezzy my tomatoes? I was being generous." Where the outsider might "ooh and ahh" at the sweetness of my practically-saved child, I knew better! I proceeded to talk to Judah about how tainted his motivations were. He was not giving Ezra his tomatoes because of how much he loves Ezra and how much he desires to show generosity, or even because of how much Ezra loves all things food (true story). He was giving Ezra his tomatoes because Judah HATES tomatoes. And there would be nothing wrong with wanting to get rid of his tomatoes, IF:
1. I had not commanded him to eat them
2. He didn't try to deceive God and man into thinking his motivations were par excellence
Moments like these are not hard for me to transverse. I know Judah. I know his likes and dislikes and his tendencies. The key is understanding his motivations so that I can teach him in a biblical way. Yet there are times when it is difficult to recognize the motivation. I'm thankful that it's a little bit less dubious to recognize the driving force in children than it is in adults. We hide our agenda a little bit better.
As hard as it is to recognize hidden motivations in our own lives, we are called to recognize those in the lives of our children, so that we can teach them well and not just interact with them on a superficial level. As much as we can, we need to recognize to them WHY they would do the things they do, so that they can understand the depths of their wickedness and ultimately, their desperate need for Jesus Christ. But we cannot diagnose their determinants without prayer for wisdom. So in recent days, I have begun to mentally note some of their more common activities so that I can help them to understand themselves in light of Christ:
1. False sharing. From above, this is when one of the kids cleverly shares with another because of selfish motivations. Often, I find my kids bringing each other "alternative" toys so that they can snatch the other toy being played with, unnoticed. For this, I might use Hebrews 13:6:
Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.
2. Boxing out. This is when child 1 has something (a book or an iDevice) and is trying to keep child 2 from mutually partaking in the pleasure of it. I remind my kids that this is jealousy-- they have made a rivalry of the other and are fiercely guarding the pleasurable object so that the other might not be able to enjoy. For this, I might use Galatians 5:19-21:
Now the works of the flesh are evident...JEALOUSY [my emphasis], fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions...and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
3. Disproportionate crying. Sometimes, an insignificant scrape might bring on the most exaggerated tears. If it's not due to tiredness or the desire for comfort (and I know my kids and can mostly tell), it's often due to self-sorrow. If a child is licking his wounds after a discipline session, for example, I might remind him that he is not to focus on himself as being the sad recipient of something unjust, but rather, needs to focus on Christ and turn from his sins. Sadness should not remain long because we are to think about Jesus and not our own wounds. I might use Philippians 2:3-4:
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
4. Attention revenge. Through a loud outburst (see 3), my child might be calling attention to the offending child in order to get him "in trouble." One of my children has mastered this craft, crying out in outrageous histrionics every time my daughter glances sideways at him. Knowing my daughter, in all likelihood, she was taunting him. But knowing him, I remind him of the command of 1 Peter 4:8:
Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.
And I usually throw one in for revenge from Romans 12:14, 19:
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse...Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.
5. Tattling. When my kids are eager to tell on one another because of a desire for revenge, we generally use the revenge verses. But we also appropriately deal with the offense. When my kids are eager to tattle on something unoffensive to themselves, we direct them to follow the Matthew 18 paradigm-- to try to solve the matter with the other as a witness, rather than coming straight to mom. And more, the child who is so eager to see his sibling be found out, might be a busybody, and so could use the warning from 1 Timothy 5:13:
At the same time they also learn to be idle, as they go around from house to house; and not merely idle, but also gossips and busybodies, talking about things not proper to mention.
At the same time they also learn to be idle, as they go around from house to house; and not merely idle, but also gossips and busybodies, talking about things not proper to mention.
6. Greeting refusal. The shy card gets played routinely in our house. This has become a seemingly dominant gene in the lives of my children as we have sought to train them to greet people upon view. Why is it so hard to say "hello" in a polite way? Probably because once again, the child is so focused on himself and the discomfort that he might experience if all of the attention is seemingly turned on him. This is essentially a fear-of-man problem. We are not called to please ourselves, but others, so I not only usually point out that it is for the sake of others that we greet them, but because we are not to have a fear of man. So in addition to the Philippians 2:3-4 verse of 3, I might use Proverbs 29:25:
The fear of man brings a snare,
But he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted.
But he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted.
7. Undiscovered deceit (or general sin). Most of the time, I can tell when my children are lying. But there are those moments when I am PRETTY sure something went down differently than the account being told me, but I can't be CERTAIN. It is in those moments that I usually use
Galatians 6:7:
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.
These are just a few of the things that are commonly occurring in our household in this season of life. It has been a challenge for me to ferret out the roots of these things and to help shed light on the hearts of my kids through the use of scripture. The goal is not to use the Bible as a bludgeon, quoting it harshly as an excuse to administer discipline. Rather, we want to gently admonish our kids, acknowledging where they fall short according to God, so that they might be driven to Him by the overwhelming feeling that they can do no good apart from Him! I pray often that God might show me the hidden tendencies in my children's hearts, so that they never FEEL as if they're getting away with it before Him. Hopefully with His help, we can navigate the murky waters of our deceptive cores and turn to Him, away from these things.
But if you will not do so, behold, you have sinned against the LORD, and be sure your sin will find you out. Numbers 32:23.
Now, may I always use God's Word to reveal sin (Hebrews 4:12), and do so without stirring up anger (Proverbs 15:1)!
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