Keeping Up

I have been learning a lot recently. I think I am constantly re-learning that God's strength is the only thing that will get me through my days. But, in addition to this, I've been recognizing little idols that I have set up in my life that need to be crushed. I notice that with my three, two and one-year-old, I've grown into a habit of regular impatience toward them as they tend toward mess-making, arguing, destroying and whining. I am disappointed that I've begun to allow an erosion of gentle talk in our house and have resorted to harsh words toward them. I think I gave myself a bit of a pass, too, as my sickness from pregnancy came on with some steam, and only last week, ebbed in its strength. I am almost daily grieved by my new habit of impatience, but I didn't just want to stop at being GRIEVED. I want to CHANGE!!! So I began praying (actually, it has been more like PLEADING) with God to grow me, and allow me to overcome my overwhelming feelings of impatience toward my sweet little ones. I mean, I am surrounded by pagans most of the day, and bad company does corrupt good morals (tee hee)-- but there's been no excuse for my recent spate of impatience and harshness in tone.

I recently picked up "Respectable Sins" by Jerry Bridges, again. As I started reading through, I became exhausted by the call to battle our own sin. I began to realize that ONCE AGAIN, as seems to be a regular pattern with me, I was living out my own boot-strap Christianity, bracing myself against the onslaught of temptations in my own power, forgetting the work of the Spirit and trying to be holy on my own. And ONCE AGAIN, my efforts have come crashing down around me. I sort of wanted to give up for a bit...after allowing myself to grow weary from doing good, I just wanted to live under the radar. Ignoring this temptation, however, I continued in much prayer. I like what Bridges calls it "dependent responsibility," "There is a fundamental principle of the Christian life that I call the principle of dependent responsibility; that is, we are responsible before God to obey His Word, to put to death the sins in our lives, both the so-called acceptable sins and the obviously not acceptable ones. At the same time, we do not have the ability within ourselves to carry out this responsibility. We are in fact totally dependent upon the enabling power of the Holy Spirit. In this sense, we are both responsible and dependent" (Bridges 41). Obviously this is hard to understand, but I had the verse running through my head this morning: work out your salvation with fear and trembling. And then again, an old puritan quote: "work as if it all depends on you, and yet trust as if you did not work at all." All of these things have gotten me tired as I think about how much work I DO put in...but then I've come to the conclusion that they're making me tired because I am trying in my own strength, because His burden is light...ARGH!

So, I have continued pleading with God to grow me, but I have also begun (with His convicting power) to identify triggers that seem to catch me and I've noticed a pattern. My expectations have become, for me, idolatry. If my expectations are met, I am happy and docile. But if my little ones don't bow to my expectations, my fury grows. DOUBLE ARGH!

As usual, the Lord's faithfulness to convict me and help me to repent is tantamount to none. I am humbled and embarrassed by my impatience. I think when Judah was just a baby, I could not imagine being impatient with him. I didn't know how that could possibly creep in...oh the joys of motherhood! I am thankful for His sanctifying work and am praying that I will set a new pattern of patience toward my children...even now as my youngest has buried her head in my lap and has whined most of the day. Praising the Lord that the power of sin in my life is broken, and praying that I'll start acting like it!!!